


Make Those Words Meaningful

by Amcwish



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: M/M, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amcwish/pseuds/Amcwish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...Connor was surprised but he didn’t question it, assuming Jude was talking about getting arrested.</p>
<p>	He wasn’t. And looking back, Connor scolds himself. But how could he have known how much those three words meant to Jude?</p>
<p>... He came to the conclusion that he messed up. But he didn’t know how."</p>
<p>Connor loves Jude and he wants to tell him, but he doesn't know how much weight those three little words truly hold.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make Those Words Meaningful

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Both homophobic and explicit language is used.

**A Lighthearted Plea**

 

It was a minor offense.

He repeated the words over and over again in his mind. But his attempt to assuaged his anxiety quickly failed as he sighed into the corner of the cell. He was only slightly drunk, he had just finished his third beer before everything had gone down. But the thought of his dad’s reaction to this, gave him a headache. He looked around at the ten other kids in the cell, his eyes lingering on Zach in a menacing glare before he closed his eyes.

A break from life, a casual invitation from Jacob (a boy he only knew from baseball) and Jude’s now nightly art classes at the community center. That’s what got Connor where he was now: in jail. An off-the-walls blowout that had to have at least he had 70 people at it (Connor still wondered how almost all of them cleared out so quickly. To be fair, these people have probably been to numerous parties, making them professionals in the art of not getting caught by the police.), words that shouldn’t have been spoken (but still were) by Zach (and about Jude. No one says something like _that_ about Jude). That’s how he got there.

The draw from his nerves is what eventually brings him into a brief nap. He didn’t open his eyes until he was shaken awake by the girl who was now sitting next to him. Being one of those people who became disoriented when they woke up, he couldn’t come up with her name. Trixie? Tracy? Trina? Trisha?

“Hey” She spoke softly. “It’s you turn to use the phone.” He started to rise, but it was a slow process since his body had gotten used to his not-so comfortable seat. Seeing his trouble, the girl put out her hand for stability. “Need help?” She smiled and Connor felt really bad for forgetting her name now and that there was at least one nice person in this hellhole. 

“Don’t help him, Tria.” Zach spat from the other side of the cell. That was it! Tria. “That bastard gave me a black eye!” Connor could feel the anger boiling up within him. How was it that they used to be friends? How could Connor be friends with such an ass?

He was about to straighten things out and question who that hell Zach thought he was but Tria beat him too it. “You called his boyfriend a fag! What else was he supposed to do?! You’re a real asshole and you know it, Johnson!” She turned to Connor and smiled, pulling him up from his spot. Connor smiled right back.

He just made a really good friend.

Connor walked slowly out to the phone. He knew he couldn’t call his dad. Not without a string of profanities and bitter words about Jude. Because when Connor did something bad, his father immediately assumes it was Jude’s fault. It always came back to Jude. Instead he called the only person he thought would get him out of this.

“Hello?” The voice asked. It was, in fact, 11pm. Connor never knew how much he had missed Jude’s voice. The two hadn’t seen each in at least a week. Both lived very hectic lives. Jude had art classes and was also volunteering at the drop-in center for foster kids. Connor had baseball and the LGBTQ club he and Cole now ran in Mission Bay.

“Hi Jude. I’ve missed you so much! I know it’s really late but I’ve kinda got a problem–“ Connor rambled only stopping to breathe when Jude interrupted him. He knew he didn’t have much time to talk.

“Connor?” Jude questioned. Connor was about to start speaking again when Jude spoke. “What’s wrong?” he asked cautiously and full of concern. Connor hears a slight rustle and can picture Jude trying to look at the Caller ID. “And what number are you calling from?” He spoke slowly.

“I kinda got arrested and I need you to bring your moms to bail me out.” Connor ran his words together. Jude sighed into the phone, not saying anything. “Please?” Connor begged. Silence. “I love you.” Connor said jokingly. He wore his signature kicked puppy look. The one that if Jude could see him now, he wouldn’t stand a chance in saying anything other than ‘Fine.’

He was successful in getting Jude to speak, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Jude’s voice became rigid and stone cold “Don’t do that ever again.” Connor fidgeted with the buttons on his coat before realizing that Jude had hung up. Connor was surprised but he didn’t question it, assuming Jude was talking about getting arrested.

He wasn’t. And looking back, Connor scolds himself. But how could he have known how much those three words meant to Jude?

20 minutes after the phone call, Connor had given up all hope that Jude was coming and was shocked to see his own father standing in front of the cell. Jude was mad, but that didn’t mean he would let Connor just sit there.

The only words that Adam Stevens spoke the whole night were “Let’s go.” Nothing else. Connor was getting the silent treatment. He expected the whole spiel. The ‘I thought you were better than this.’. The ‘I told you that if this ever happened that you could go find some other place to live’. The ‘You’re 16 and should know better than this’ (who would he be kidding on that one though. Most sixteen-year-olds were anything but responsible). Connor expected all of it and instead he got the silent treatment.

So the whole entire car ride was spent in silence. And all Connor thought about was Jude. He came to the conclusion that he messed up. But he didn’t know how.

 

**One Touch, One Thought**

 

A couple of months later, Connor was woken up at eleven-thirty to the sound of the doorbell ringing. He trudged (more like tripped) down the stairs to the door, surprised his dad hadn’t woken up. In his fog of slumber, he had forgotten that his father had gone out of town for business and had left the recently-seventeen-year-old by himself for the weekend.

Jude had seized the opportunity, in a way. He knew Mr. Stevens would have flipped if he was here. The man needed his sleep and was very grumpy if he got woken up (well…more so than he usually was).

Connor opened the door to a very cheery-looking Jude (How….?! It’s 11:30!). Jude shoves a coffee into Connor’s hand, grabs his other hand and drags him out the door. Connor’s attire of huge plaid sweatpants and a grey sweatshirt he threw on when the door bell had rung (and good thing too!) didn’t seem fitted for an evening out but Connor didn’t say anything. He just let Jude drag him along, swearing that their hands was on fire. He always loved the sensation of holding Jude’s hand, even in his current stupor.

They both plopped into the mini cooper. Jude loved the car. Connor…not so much. When he had first seen the car, he expected 15 clowns to come out of it, one by one. But it was Jude’s car, so Connor held back all the jokes he could make about it (And they were certainly good ones). Jude leaned back into the car’s cushion, started up the ignition, the playlist Mariana gave Jude for Christmas started up (Connor had heard it so much, he knew every song, word for word), and they were on the road.

Five minutes later, Connor decided to speak “So.” He paused, tapping his fingers to the melody of Halsey’s _New Americana_. “Are you gonna tell me where we are going?”

Jude flashed Connor a quick, devilish grin (Connor swears the boy is Satan) “Nope.” He responded popping the ‘p’.

Connor gave up, his face breaking into smile. He took a sip of coffee and then turned his head towards Jude. The boy shined in the moon’s gleam and it made Connor’s head spin. He noticed the tiny locket and it’s silver chain glistened on Jude’s neck in the moonlight (an anniversary present from yours truly) . He takes another sip of his coffee and this time, Jude does the same, a smirk playing on his lips. Connor had been caught, no question about it.

Red flows into Connor’s ears as he jerks his head away from Jude, looking out of the passenger seat window. He could feel his lethargy melting away, partly because of his coffee (it was a double-shot of espresso mixed with chocolate and cayenne pepper. The chupacabra, the local coffee shop whom had created the concoction called it) and mostly because of his boyfriend of four years sitting in the car seat next to him. He started humming along to _New Americana_ just as it was ending. _The Man Who Can’t Be Moved_ by The Script started to play and Connor turned the volume down (he didn’t overly like the song) and turned towards Jude. Now, a goofy smile was plastered on Connor’s face and Jude loved it.

“Did you hear about the ‘Batman vs. Superman’ movie coming out?” Connor started the conversation. A conversation that lasted about an hour. One that only ended when they got to their destination.

Connor rushed out of the car so quickly and so excitedly that he resembled a six-year-old. Jude chuckled as he watched Connor look around and then towards Jude in confusion. Jude just grinned and slowly walked up next to Connor. “There’s nothing here but darkness.” Connor turned towards Jude, who cracked up at the sight of Connor’s face of confusion and skepticism. Connor smirked before continuing “If you’re thinking of what I think you’re thinking of, we could have just stayed at my house, you know.” He chuckled a little “What are you planning, Adams Foster?”

Jude raised an eyebrow at Connor before shaking his head “Get your head out of the gutter, Stevens.”

“But seriously, why are we here?” Connor questioned once again.

Jude pointed towards the sky “Look up.” Jude started to sit on the ground, in a half lying down, half sitting up position, holding himself up with his hands.

Connor did the same, looking at the sky as he fell into the same position as Jude. “Wow.” Their shoulders brushed and they both felt it. That unexplainable feeling then got whenever they touched. They could feel their breath quickening, their pulses rising. The butterflies in their stomach that they knew wouldn’t go away until they departed. They couldn’t describe it, but Connor was pretty sure he knew what it was.

They both collapsed into the grass, it’s blades tickling their faces. Their shoulders only separated for milliseconds before becoming reconnected and they fell it all, once again. Connor smiled to himself “I love you.” He spoke the words in a whisper, barely able to be heard. But Jude heard them.

“Don’t do that!” Jude shouted at Connor, rising quickly from the grass. Hurt shone through Connor’s face as he tried to register what just happened. He just told Jude he loved him! Why was he getting yelled at for it?

Connor stood up and was about to explode with questions but then he saw the look on Jude’s face. It was clenched in anger, his eyebrows pointed towards his nose. But Connor looked and saw the tears held in his eyes and knew he couldn’t say anything.

Jude walked back towards the car slamming the door and Connor followed. He was so confused and worried about whatever Jude was upset about. But somehow Connor knew he shouldn’t ask anything yet. Not tonight. But he promised himself he would get to the bottom of this. Because he loved Jude Adams Foster. And he knew Jude loved him too.

 

**You Told Me Your Fears and Your Ghosts**

 

It took them a year before they spoke of it again. It was their first Sunday in their on-site college dorms. Sadly, they weren’t placed in the same dorms, but they were placed across from each other and they both had the other’s key. Connor may have already taken granted of this privilege and had visited Jude at least twenty times of the course of the week. Jude hadn’t minded, of course, he found it sweet.

But being woken up by Connor jumping on top off you at six in morning, on a Sunday! That Jude minded. Jude was only angry for a second before realizing the flour that was scattered through his face and especially his hair (Connor had the tendency to comb his hair with his fingers when he was thinking or anxious). Jude then just chuckled at what an adorable sight it truly was.

“Good morning!” Connor declared, smiling brightly. He planted a kiss on Jude’s forehead. The action caused some flour to fall from Connor’s hair onto Jude’s face.

“Good morning.” Jude croaked out.

“I made you breakfast.” Connor stated proudly. Jude licked his lips as his stomach growled. Connor stifled a laugh “And clearly you’re hungry, so follow me.” He beckoned.

Jude slowly rose from the bed. At the sight of Jude’s apparel, Connor bursted out laughing. A very confused Jude questioned “What?”

Connor doubled over in laughter “I didn’t think you kept that.” Jude happened to be wearing the shirt that Connor gave him so long go when they first went to Cole’s LGBTQ Prom back when they were 13. The boisterous shirt had been Connor’s version of a corsage, but giving someone who didn’t want to label them themselves a shirt that said _‘I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriend Is.’_ wasn’t Connor’s best idea. 

Jude looked down to see what the hell was making Connor laugh so hard and smiled. “Five years later and it still fits!” Connor said surprised.

“You bought it like 5 sizes too big!” Jude laughed.

“Maybe that was a good thing.” Jude scoffed knowing what he was leading to “Because it fits perfectly on you now!” Connor grabbed Jude’s wrist “Now come on, slow poke! It’s time for breakfast!”

Connor and Jude stepped into the apartment and were greeted by the smell of burnt toast. “Shit!” Connor muttered as he raced towards the pan, quickly turning off the flame on the stovetop. Jude took his usual (well, since they arrived a week ago) seat at the island, the spot closest to the kitchen.

“See..” Jude started “You should have bought that toaster!” There is silence for a moment before Jude says “And who leaves a flame unmonitored anyways?!”

Connor’s very mature comeback was “Oh, shut up!” As Connor started plating their meal, Jude’s eyes wandered around the kitchen to see the assortment of foods: eggs, bacon, and (Jude’s favorite) pancakes. The eggs looked a bit underdone and the pancake’s consistency looked…questionable, but to Jude, it was perfect.

Connor plopped Jude’s plate in front of him then took a seat on the bar stool right next to him. “What do ya think?” Connor asked hopefully. Jude snickered at Connor’s anxiousness, his expectant gaze reminded Jude of that of a puppy’s.

“I haven’t even tried it yet!” Connor’s eyes didn’t leave Jude until his eyes widen in enjoyment (at least that’s what Connor thought it was) and Jude gave him a thumbs-up. Connor then proceeded to take a bite from his very burnt toast.

They ate in a comfortable silence. They were both nibbling on a couple remaining pieces of burnt toast (Jude only ate it out of courtesy. Connor, well, he would ate anything.) when something popped into Connor’s mind. He stole a glance at Jude, who was peacefully chewing while staring out the window, occasionally taking a couple sips from the dark roast coffee.

He was about to speak the only three words that were on his mind. Then he remembered what happened the last time he told Jude he loved him. Before it even registered in his brain what he was saying, he blurted out “Why don’t you like it when I tell you I love you?”

Jude continued to take sips from his coffee, remembering one horrible night.

_It was twelve years ago, Callie was ten and Jude was six. The day before had been the last day of school and Callie and Jude’s mom, Colleen had decided to bake cupcakes to celebrate a great school year! But that day, after four cupcake lovers, only one cupcake remained._

_Callie had gotten to the cupcake first, but little and very curious as to what his sister was doing, padded into the kitchen behind her. The moment he saw the cupcake, he, of course, really wanted it._

_“Ooh look, a cupcake!” Jude spoke pointing to the cupcake, Callie immediately knew where this was going. “That looks like a reallllllllllly good cupcake!” Jude continued, salivating over the cupcake. Jude did this anytime he wanted something, he would keep talking and talking about how delicious something looked or how fast a toy car went until he got it. Jude that he was so sneaky, but Callie saw right through him._

_“You’re not getting the cupcake, Jude!” Jude pouted._

_“But I want it!” Jude whined. Then he paused a minute, thinking to himself. Which once again meant he was up to no good. “Can we share it?”_

_“How? Mom said we can’t touch the knifes and she told us not to interrupt her while she’s working.” Callie asked Jude. In response, Jude ran at the speed of light to the living room, grabbed a knife from his pretend kitchen and ran back. He held up the piece of plastic in his hand proudly._

_"I guess that will work.” Callie sighed (she was still kind of hoping she would get the cupcake to herself). They both walked over to living room, where there was a kiddy table that was as tall as Jude’s hips and Callie’s knees. Callie knelt down and placed the cupcake on the table. As soon as she put it down, Jude stole the cupcake from the table._

_A shocked and furious Callie yelled “Jude! Give it back!” Callie grabbed for the cupcake so that now they were both holding it. They yelled at each other while playing a game tug-of-war with the cupcake. This, of course, resulted in most of the cupcake landing on the floor, only a small chunk of cupcake remained both kids’ hands._

_Colleen, hearing the bickering between Jude and Callie, came into the living room to investigate. She, then, was greeted by the sight of Jude and Callie yelling at each other and the sight of the cupcake (frosting included) all over the carpet, their new carpet._

_“Hey! Hey! Hey!” Colleen yelled. “What’s going on here?” She asked them. This resulted in the two kids explaining ( being whiney, I may add) their side of the story…at the same time and Colleen had had enough._

_“Well, both of you have to clean it up. Now!” Colleen told them. Jude them proceeded to grab his mini broom and dust pan he had (it was part of some play set, he just wanted it because it had Darth Vader on it). The six-year-old then began to sweep quietly in a sulking manner._

_Callie, on the other hand, found this punishment rather unfair and decided to speak her mind about it. Her complaining to her mother resulted in her receiving a week without television. And there was more to come if she kept this up. Callie relented and helped Jude pick the remaining pieces of cupcake out of the carpet._

_A couple hours later, Callie and Jude both sat in their rooms as Colleen got to a party with Donald, their father. Jude was watching the 1989 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Those were his favorite). Callie was just sitting on her bed, trying to imagine what’s happening on the episode of Lizzie Mcguire that was currently on._

_After an attempt to say goodbye Callie, which only resulted in Callie giving her the cold shoulder, Colleen came in to Jude’s room to say goodbye to him._

_“Hey Buddy, your father and I are going to be heading out. Remember, Gina?” Jude nodded with a smile. He liked Gina. “Well she is going to be watching you guys while your father and I go out. Okay?” Jude smiled._

_“Now give a hug and a kiss before I go.” They did so, sharing a short hug. Jude had paused Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for this short goodbye and now he really wanted to see what happened next._

_Jude kissed his mother’s cheek and said “Love you.”_

_Colleen smiled, walking towards the door “Love you too, sweetie.” She walked out of the room, closing the door. It was the last time Jude ever saw Colleen Jacobs._

“Jude! Jude, look at me!” Connor pleaded as he analyzed Jude’s actions (or lack of). “I’m worried Jude!” He paused a moment. “You’re scaring me.” The sudden movement shocked Connor as Jude turned himself towards him. The tears that hadn’t fallen in forever, had slid down his cheek. Jude never acted like this.

“I was lucky.” Jude started, his glance was fixed on the plain white island (that happened to have an uncanny resemblance to the hospital’s tile floor. Jude would know, that’s the only thing he looked at his whole time there, that night). “Unlike Callie, I told her I loved her.”

Jude waited a minute, planning how to exactly say his words so that they were said correctly and not interpreted wrong. “ But now, people say it so early that they thought they knew what love meant and was but they didn’t. Or too much that the words ‘I love you.’ lose meaning altogether.” Jude took a breath “I was lucky enough to be able to tell my mother I loved her before she died. I don’t want it to be one of the countless times I said the words. I want it to be special.”

Connor wanted to say so many things, but once again, he knew he just couldn’t. He took Jude’s hand and led him over to his fabric green couch (Jude thought it was an eye-sore, but, man, it was comfortable!). Jude sunk into the seat, placing his head inside the crook of Connor’s neck. They didn’t say a word. The only sound was Connor’s hand rubbing soothingly up at down Jude’s arm. They stayed there, for the rest of the day, in total silence.

 

**You’re My Best Friend**

 

The next morning, Jude woke up to the sight the plain grey bedroom wall. He turned over while trying really hard not to make any movement that would wake up the person next to him. There was no doubt that Connor was sleep. Jude always woke up before him (except yesterday, of course. Jude had just been really tired yesterday).

He now faced a sleeping Connor. Jude found the way Connor slept adorable. The way Connor turned his whole body into the blankets. How he would scrunch up into them, like he was fighting for warmth. The way he balled his hands into fists and held them to his chest. But the best thing that Connor did when he was asleep, was when he would subconsciously snuggle into Jude. Jude’s chest would become Connor’s new pillow and he would curl up into Jude’s side.

The smile that played on Connor’s face reminded Jude of the picture that sat on his desk at the college’s newspaper office. Connor had the same shy smile on his lips in that picture too. The day that picture was taken was the first baseball game of Connor’s that Jude had ever been to. Connor was posed, bat in-hand, ready for the ball. Only his gaze wasn’t straight ahead at the pitcher, it was set on Jude. The picture had been taken by a photographer who worked for the local newspaper and the next day it had wound up in the paper. As soon as Jude found it, he immediately rushed over to Connor’s house to jokingly pester him about it until Connor bashfully admitted that he had, indeed, been looking at Jude. Afterwards Jude cut out the picture, took a clothespin and clipped it to the line of string that hung on his bedroom wall where Jude put all of his favorite pictures. When he went away to college, he left the string, only taking off that one picture.

The longer Jude sat there, lost in his own thoughts, the more he took in the sight his boyfriend. It was five-thirty and both he and Connor didn’t have class until eight.

Jude was now studying Connor’s features more than he ever had before. Most of his hair had travelled away from the pillow after a night of the fan Jude had placed in the window blowing at Connor’s face and how tightly Connor pressed (more like nuzzled, the boy was like a kitten) his turned head into said pillow. Jude could slightly make out his ear, hidden in the pillow, a hot lava red from the pillow’s contact. His skin had became a golden tan over the summer after his eight to nine hour days of playing baseball with his recently-old teammates. He had done that everyday for the whole summer. But Jude hadn’t minded, especially because the chance Connor was ever going to see them again was slim. One thing that surprised Jude was that Connor’s eyebrows were relaxed. Whenever Jude would come over to wake Connor up, the only thing he would notice would be that his eyebrows were scrunched up. But today, they peacefully sat on Connor’s face.

The last thing Jude noticed were Connor’s lips. They were only parted slightly, but enough so you could see a bit of Connor’s pearly white teeth. It was then that Jude had had enough of just glimpsing. Jude hesitantly moved closer and closer to him until Connor decided to close the gap himself for the short peck.

They pulled away and Jude let out a short sigh, to which Connor giggled at. In that moment, Jude finally got to see Connor’s glassy chocolate brown eyes. He hadn’t known he had missed them so much until now. Those eyes held Connor’s life, his spirit. Jude loved those eyes.

Jude loved Connor.

Now put speechless by his sudden epiphany, Jude never looked away from Connor’s eyes. He entered a long pause as Connor held the gaze, he himself also loved Jude’s eyes. To Connor, Jude’s eyes held many things: trust, compassion, honesty, truth, faith, excitement. But most of all Jude’s eyes held hope, they always held hope, something Connor admired extremely.

When Jude came up with the words, he smiled at them. He spoke in a voice smaller than a whisper, but because of their close proximity, Connor could hear him clearly “You’re my best friend.” Connor smiled. Jude took a breath, more than aware of the weight of the words he was to say held.

“I–“

But Connor stopped him, placing a finger to Jude’s mouth, shushing him. His smile grew bigger and brighter.

“Me too.”


End file.
